The Freshman 15: What I’ve Learned (Year 4)

It’s hard to believe that when I first started blogging, I was only halfway through my freshman year of college. At the time, I thought that a blog would be a fun avenue for me to share the thoughts and ideas that I was too shy to say aloud, but in the years that followed, the blog became so much more.

In April 2010, we started with the very first Freshman 15, focusing on 15 of the things I had learned in my first year of college (some serious, some practical and some silly). Throughout the year, I created other Freshman 15 lists as well, focusing on specific topics like overcoming homesickness, making friends and navigating college relationships. Then, every following April, I listed 15 new things I had learned that year (see year 2 and year 3).

A lot has happened in the last four years. I’m shocked every time I receive an email about picking up my cap and gown, or filling out my college exit surveys, because I still feel like the awkward 18-year-old girl who navigated the university by map, the girl who couldn’t boil water to save her life and who hoped to meet her soulmate in the residence halls. Now, with just a few final exams left to go, I’ll share 15 lessons that I’ve learned since I first started college.

The Freshman 15: What I’ve Learned (Year 4)

1. Stick around if you can afford it.
I meet a lot of underclassmen who enter college with junior standing and who hope to finish their four-year degree in two years. While I understand the financial reasons behind this, I would encourage you not to rush through your program if you can help it. So many of these students think that by taking on an overwhelming course load in the hope of graduating early, they will be able to begin graduate programs at a younger age. However, if you stretch your degree out to three and a half or four years, you will have the opportunity to participate in research, internships, extracurriculars and other activities that will make you more well-rounded and boost your chances of admission. It also allows you to pick up an extra major or minor if that interests you.

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2. Use university resources early on.
Know what resources the university offers, and don’t wait until the last minute to use them. Even though I attended a lot of workshops and events as a freshman, there was a lot that I didn’t know about until my senior year. Currently, in my position at the university’s career center, I have encountered so many students who are just weeks away from graduation and having someone on campus look at their resume for the first time. Find out what your school provides for its students, and use it! You are paying for it, after all.

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3. Know how to dress professionally.
In college, you may be invited to a “business casual” event on a moment’s notice, and you’ll need to know what that entails. Invest in a professional wardrobe so that you’ll always be ready for the next job fair, interview or networking event. Ladies (and gentlemen, too, I suppose), make sure you avoid anything too short or low-cut. If you would wear it downtown to a bar/it has sequins on it, it’s probably not okay to wear.

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4. Always keep your resume updated.
Don’t be the graduating senior who never made a resume before. Start a resume early in your college career, and add in the details over time. I’ve met some people who even kept a secondary list of organizations and jobs they have been a part of, and then they referred to that list every time they crafted a new resume for a different employer.

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5. Some industries are harder to break into than others.
I honestly didn’t know this until last semester. Whichever field you hope to work in, do a little research so you can decide if the job availability after graduation is worth it. (It might be. And your passion for a subject may surpass any worries you have about your future salary, but this is still something to keep in mind.)

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6. Have some ideas about what you can potentially do with your major.
No, you don’t need to know what you’re going to be when you grow up – at least not right away – but it’s good to at least be aware of what types of career paths are possible with your major. A few months ago, I met a psychology student who was interested in graduate programs but disliked people and animals. As you can imagine, it was difficult to think of a career path he could follow in psychology that wouldn’t focus on either of these areas. Think about why you selected your particular major and research some of the careers that could potentially follow graduation. (Also, find out if they require further education or certification!)

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7. You won’t be loved by everyone at every moment.
Sometimes you have to say or do the unpopular thing, and it may make you feel like a villain. Nevertheless, it’s important to stand up for yourself and what you think is right, and at times, that means saying something that people won’t want to hear.

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8. Develop new skills whenever possible.
Find new ways to diversify your skill set. Learn a new film editing software, master a programming language, practice ballroom dance or try out a new recipe in the kitchen. Whether your aim is to boost the “skills” section on your resume or to become more well-rounded, learning new skills is an excellent way to exercise your brain. (Nunchuck skills are always a plus.)

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9. Do what makes you happy.
Simple enough, right? Unfortunately, all too often we worry about what others think about our actions, and let it define our happiness. Unless others are warning you against a potentially dangerous situation, you are perfectly entitled to make your own decisions, so long as they don’t negatively impact everyone around you.

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10. Stop worrying about what everyone else is doing.
Just as much as we need to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks of everything we do, we need to stop having such strong opinions about what everybody else is doing. Let others live their lives without so much judgment. Again, unless you are warning someone against a potentially dangerous situation, you should probably stay out of any situation you haven’t been invited into.

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11. Burnout exists. Give yourself a break.
As a complete workaholic, I fall especially victim to this one. Make sure that even when life is at its most hectic, you are taking care of your health and getting some semblance of sleep here and there. Check out this great article by Leonie Dawson for more tips on dealing with burnout.

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12. True friends are hard to come by, but you will find them.
You are bound to meet a lot of people when you start college, but not all of them will become your lifelong friends. Your true friends will be the ones who celebrate your successes and help you through the rough times without expecting anything in return. That’s the key – your friends won’t have to remind you of what they’ve done for you, because they know you do the same for them.

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13. Take advantage of student discounts.
With graduation looming closer and closer, I can practically see all of the wonderful discounts that come with being a student just vanishing before me. Know that local venues, attractions and conferences will give you student discounts, because those can really help you out.

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14. Time management is everything.
Do whatever you need to do to stay ahead of your school work and obligations, because as soon as you fall behind, things will begin to snowball. Managing your time effectively will help you to avoid the burnout that affects so many of us! Here are 15 time management tips, many of which I use to this day!

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15. Learn the balance of yes and no.
This is a lesson that I am learning every day. When you first start college, you will want to join every club and be in 10 places at once. Unfortunately, there is only one of you and only 24 hours in the day. Learn to prioritize and figure out, over time, what you can and can’t commit to. Don’t bite off more than you can chew – trust me, you will regret it!

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What are some of the things you’ve learned during your time in college?

Valentine’s Day Article Roundup

Valentine’s Day is finally here – as if you didn’t already notice the towers of chocolate in the grocery store, the lovesick couples engaging in the most obnoxious of PDA or the embittered singles who keep griping about how they just want this day to be over. Whether you’re in madly in love or simply doing your own thing, this last-minute Valentine’s Day Article Roundup will provide you with 10 links that will make you laugh, smile, think and maybe even tear up a little bit. There is a little something in here for everyone.

Links are provided in the parentheses, and for last year’s roundup of articles, click here.

Valentine’s Day Article Roundup

1. The Love Stories of 10 Intellectual Power Couples (Flavorwire).
This list takes a look at some of history’s greatest minds and shows that like often attracts like. Sad that you’re single on Valentine’s Day? Don’t be. It’s because you haven’t met someone whose intellectual prowess and quick wit match yours… yet.

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2. Ada Bryant, Robert Haire (The New York Times).
When I came across this wedding announcement in The New York Times a few weeks ago, I couldn’t help but tell everyone about it (or at least post a link on Twitter and tell my roommates about it!). The announcement is for an elderly couple who fell in love after she painted a portrait for him. This one is so sweet that even the Valentine’s Day skeptics will smile.

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3. Budget Friendly Valentine’s Day Ideas (Peanut Butter Fingers).
Still don’t have a gift for your significant other? Julie from Peanut Butter Fingers has compiled a list of thoughtful gift ideas based on her own experiences, her friends’ experiences and her findings on Pinterest. There are a lot of creative gifts on this list – and you can make them your own!

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4. Very Definitely Not Dinner & A Movie: 50 Alternative First Date Ideas! (Gala Darling).
These are “first date ideas,” but it doesn’t mean you can’t apply them to Valentine’s Day with someone you’ve dated for a while. So go to an art museum, hunt for photobooths, take a really long one-way walk to an unknown place – the ideas are all here!

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5. How To (Really) Lose a Guy in 10 Days (Love Twenty).
Everybody familiar with the chick flick genre has seen How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, right? This article discusses how to -really- scare off a significant other! (Still need help? Click here for more on that subject!)

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6. Live Better: Fall in Love… With Yourself (Feather Magazine).
No one can really love you until you learn to love yourself. Whether you’re single or in a relationship, this article talks about ways to treat yourself better and increase your own self-worth. Definitely worth the read for anyone!

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7. 5 Ways to Reclaim Your Life After a Breakup (The Daily Muse).
For the heartbroken readers, this advice piece from the Why Don’t You Ask Molly Ford? column discusses some of the ways you can pick up the pieces after a breakup.

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8. The Top 100 Most Strange, Odd, Perplexing and Unintentionally Funny Vintage Valentine Cards EVER! (Mitch O’Connell).
These vintage Valentine’s Day cards are some of the creepiest things I have ever seen in my life. Had I seen them sooner, I would have printed up a bunch and sent them off to all my friends! Be careful – I literally laughed out loud when I saw these late at night, and I honestly hope I didn’t wake anyone up!

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9. Will You Still Love Me on Sunday? (Thought Catalog).
Not so much a Valentine’s Day post, but this piece is all about loving someone even when it’s difficult and not so glamorous. Chelsea Fagan is one of my favorite Thought Catalog writers, and this post does not disappoint.

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10. The Disney Prince Hotness Ranking (Buzzfeed).
If all else fails, there’s a Disney prince out there waiting for you! My personal favorites are Prince Eric and Flynn Ryder, but go through the list and decide who is worthy of your love.

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Any good articles you’ve read at this time of the year?

Your Breakup Kit: 10 Songs to Ease the Pain

Although Valentine’s Day is in a couple of days, some couples are not basking in the rays of relationship bliss. For those currently in the middle of breakups, mid-February is an especially difficult time to process your feelings, as the entire country glamorizes the idea of proving your worth to society based on whether anyone was willing to hold your hand in public on that day. So to help you all out, I’m bringing in a few song favorites and links – some sad, some upbeat – that could help cheer you up.

And yes, most of these are very mainstream songs. Enjoy!

Sad Songs for Wallowing in Self-Pity

Sometimes it’s your party and you can cry if you want to. This list is for the people who just don’t want to get out of bed, the heartbroken ones who keep replaying “what if?” scenarios in their minds, the people who need to let themselves feel the heartbreak a little bit longer.

1. Almost Lover – A Fine Frenzy (song).
The lyrics “You sang me Spanish lullabies, the sweetest sadness in your eyes,” always stick in my head when I hear this song! The artist sings goodbye to a significant other that almost was.

2. California King Bed – Rihanna (song).
I’m not the biggest Rihanna fan, but I wish this song had gotten more airtime when it first came out. This super sad song is all about a relationship at its end, being torn apart by emotional distance.

3. The Reason Why – Rachael Yamagata (song).
This song is not really about a romantic breakup, but more about the artist’s breakup with her band and journey into working a solo act. Beautiful piano accompaniment with lyrics that you can totally apply to your own heartbreak.

4. Set Fire to the Rain – Adele (song).
To be fair, every song by Adele is a breakup song. Set Fire to the Rain in particular always resonated with me as one of the sadder ones – although I’m sure we’ll be hearing more from her soon!

5. Hallelujah – Jeff Buckley (song).
This is my favorite cover of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah, and I think it has such a profound sadness to it. After all, Shrek and Fiona listened to it when they parted ways in the first Shrek movie, didn’t they? If it’s good enough for Shrek, it’s good enough for any of us.

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Empowering Songs for Your Inner Warrior

Sometimes, we don’t want to host our own pity parties — instead, we want to move past the heartbreak and feel the freedom of a bad relationship shed. These songs reflect the strength we might embody when we overcome a difficult situation.

1. I Will Survive – Gloria Gaynor (song).
How can you not love this song and immediately start dancing when it comes on? I Will Survive is the pre-Single Ladies anthem for single ladies everywhere.

2. Picture to Burn – Taylor Swift (song).
Make as many jokes about Taylor Swift’s relationship status as you’d like, but this song – with its original country charm that many of her newer songs lack – easily gives We Are Never Getting Back Together a run for its money. Spiteful, yes, but totally fun to listen to!

3. I Look So Good – Jessie James (song).
In this song, the artist sings about all of the good things the breakup has done for her – including a boost of confidence! Definitely gives the breakup a more positive spin.

4. Miss Me – Andy Grammer (song).
I’ll admit that this one is a little sadder than the others, but the song does lean toward the sentiment that your significant other will miss you when you’re gone. For the still-sad-but-leaning-toward-empowered ones, this song provides hope of a happier tomorrow.

5. Happily Never After – Pussycat Dolls (song).
This song is all about leaving an unhealthy relationship for good and knowing what you deserve – a very uplifting way to start anew.

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What are your favorite breakup songs? What songs have helped you get through some of your toughest moments?

The Weekend Five: Things That Pop Culture Taught Me to Expect About Falling in Love

As Valentine’s Day looms dangerously close by, we begin to think more and more about love and relationships based on our current frames of reference. Even if you have a significant other, you might still be a sucker for  cheesy romantic comedies, and this could potentially affect your own beliefs about what “love” really looks like. In my own life, pop culture has played its role in shaping my expectations, for better or for worse.

In honor of Singles Awareness Day/Valentine’s Day (depending, of course, on your relationship status and/or feelings about Hallmark), I would like to present the five things that pop culture taught me to expect in the world of relationships.

The Weekend Five: Things That Pop Culture Taught Me to Expect About Falling in Love

1. Every social encounter is a potential meet-cute.
It doesn’t matter where you are or why you’re there; any time you meet someone of the desired gender, you have the chance to find real love. This allows you to turn an awkward situation, such as running into each other and dropping all of your belongings on the ground, into something more meaningful. If your eyes meet for more than a few seconds as you laugh and help each other to pick up your things, it’s a sign of good things to come — and if your hands brush against theirs, it’s obvious that you’re soulmates. You can apply similar logic to other situations as well: meeting someone at a bar, admiring the same painting in an art gallery, reaching for the same book in a library. It doesn’t matter if the other person doesn’t see all of this as reason to exchange numbers or break up with their current significant other; as long as you keep your mind open, any moment can become a meet-cute.

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2. The one who has been around the longest is the one you’ll end up with.“I’ve been right here in front of you the entire time!” the romantic female lead exclaims as she plants herself in her male best friend’s doorway. “I was here all along!” This rule can go two ways: either you will end up with your best friend, or you will end up with the person whom you met in the very first episode (a la Carrie/Mr. Big) of Your Love Life. Either way, longevity will trump all else in the game of love.

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3. If all else fails, you can broadcast your search for love to the entire world.
By becoming the next Bachelor or Bachelorette on ABC, you will not only have countless attractive dental assistants and entrepreneurs of ambiguous backgrounds vying for your attention, but you will also have access to an unlimited wardrobe of evening wear. Falling in love on television is totally genuine and foolproof; even if you don’t end up married later down the road, you are at least contractually obligated to get an engagement out of it, and your entire courtship will be littered with poorly disguised metaphors. Who wouldn’t want that?

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4. Your relationship will have its own montage.
Every memorable moment that has led up to your declaration of love will flash before your eyes. This montage will be relatively short – no more than three minutes – but will highlight your relationship’s “Best Of” moments. This also happens when you aren’t in a relationship but considering confessing your feelings for someone with whom you’ve developed a close friendship. This montage is a mental one, so don’t be creepy and put anything together in iMovie.

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5. Your relationship will be scored by a mix of 1980s love songs and modern indie music.
I always imagined that The Glory of Love by Peter Cetera would start playing the moment I realized I’d found “The One” (okay, maybe not always, but at least since I watched last season of The Bachelorette). The truth is, if pop culture has taught us anything, it’s that our relationships will take up entire soundtracks – and bands like Foreigner, Death Cab for Cutie and Sparklehorse will be the main attractions. Our relationships will consist of sweet if not slightly poppy melodies, smarmy songs that came out the year before we were born and a few songs by obscure bands we’ve never heard of. Get your iTunes ready.

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What are some of the things that pop culture has taught you to expect about falling in love?

The Weekend Five: Literary Characters Whose Problems Could Have Been Solved With Love

Throughout many works of literature, love plays a significant role in the characters’ personalities, decisions and overall well-being. Some characters sacrifice their lives for love, some let it cloud their judgment and some even flourish in its presence. However, for some literary characters, a lack of love causes them to suffer and can lead to their ultimate demise. This week, we’ll take a look at some of those characters for whom love would have solved their problems and changed their fates entirely.

The Weekend Five: Literary Characters Whose Problems Could Have Been Solved With Love

1. Miss Havisham (Great Expectations by Charles Dickens).
Already a bitter old woman at the start of the novel, Miss Havisham is a spinster who has been burned. (For those of you who have read the book, I apologize for the awful double meaning here.) When she was young, Miss Havisham was left at the altar by the man she loved, and as a result, she stopped all of the clocks in her home and remained in her decaying wedding dress, the house preserved to the state it had been on her wedding day. Her coping mechanism? Miss Havisham adopts a beautiful little girl named Estella and raises her to be a heartbreaker. She teaches Estella to be cold to men and even lets her use Pip, the novel’s protagonist, for practice. Although Miss Havisham realizes the error of her ways in the very end, she still could have avoided this quest for revenge had she listened to a few Taylor Swift songs and moved on to find a new love.

2. Frankenstein’s Monster (Frankenstein by Mary Shelley).
Don’t let the picture deceive you… this next one isn’t Herman Munster, but Frankenstein’s Monster! Dr. Victor Frankenstein brings this man to life, and then immediately abandons him in disgust and fear, considering him to be a Monster. (When I refer to Frankenstein, then, I am referring to the scientist, not to his creation, as some have made that easy mistake.) Frankenstein’s Monster lives peacefully alone for a while, reading Paradise Lost and longingly observing a family from afar. He feels rejected by his father and often compares himself to Satan in Paradise Lost — and the fact alone that he’s even reading Milton in his spare time should be sad enough! Frankenstein’s Monster isn’t inherently evil, but because he cannot get the love and care he so desperately needs and deserves, he fights back by destroying everything that Victor Frankenstein holds dear. As depressing as that is, Frankenstein could have avoided all of this, had he not created something he wasn’t going to love and care for.

3. Heathcliff (Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte).
As a gypsy orphan, Heathcliff lives with the Earnshaw family and falls in love with the young Catherine Earnshaw. Of course, because of their different stations in life, she refuses to marry him and instead accepts another man’s proposal. Heathcliff leaves Wuthering Heights and returns a wealthy man, but never does end up with Cathy. However, he marries the sister of Cathy’s husband, treats her terribly, and acts cruelly toward each of their heirs. Heathcliff is haunted by Catherine for the rest of his life and is ultimately buried alongside her. Granted, Catherine seems like a piece of work, so maybe Heathcliff should have given his wife Isabella a fair chance?

4. Dorian Gray (The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde).
Dorian Gray, as a young man, falls superficially in love with an actress named Sibyl Vane, mostly because of the beauty of her acting. However, when her feelings for him affect her theatrical abilities, he cruelly rejects her, which leads to her suicide. Dorian also more or less sells his soul for youth and beauty, which ultimately leads to years of meaningless debauchery, scandal and eventually his death. Dorian is adored by artist Basil Hallward, who paints the titular portrait, but Dorian’s problem stems more from the fact that he loves no one but himself. Dorian, you’re good looking and all, but maybe you should stop being the poster child for Gluttony and find a nice person with whom you can finally settle down.

5. Voldemort (Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling).
The Dark Lord Voldemort has a lot of angst – and his dysfunctional family tree certainly doesn’t help the situation. His mother Merope used a Love Potion to attract Tom Riddle Senior (Voldie’s father), so essentially, Voldemort wasn’t even conceived out of true love. Tom Senior leaves Merope when she stops giving him the potion, Merope dies in childbirth and Voldemort – then Tom Marvolo Riddle – goes to an orphanage. He’s an outsider for all of his young life, and even though Dumbledore looks out for him at Hogwarts, he still becomes a complete sociopath jerk and eventually his killing spree begins. Of course, when Harry survives his Avada Kedavra curse because of his mother’s protection, love is what nearly destroys Voldemort and reduces him to a very weak form. Voldemort is feared by those who follow him, but never really loved (in spite of that awkward hug scene between him and Draco Malfoy in the final film installment). Love is one of the series’ major focal points, and because he has never experienced it, Voldemort stands to lose the most because of it.

What are your thoughts? Are there any characters missing from this list that you would want to add?

It All Makes Sense Now: Living So The Words Have Meaning

When my best friend and I were in high school and our earlier years of college, we constantly compared the boys in our lives to the boys in Taylor Swift songs. From the guys who were perfect in every way who simply didn’t notice us to the guys from whom we had drifted apart, we loved rocking out to T. Swift’s music in the car because we knew that, at any time, we could relate to at least something on her album.

Music often has the power to bring us back to a single moment in time, reminding us of the emotions — both good and bad — that came along with it. But little do we realize that those pivotal moments in our lives are exactly what give the lyrics their meaning. If we hadn’t met that one person, been in a particular place at a particular time, or experienced heartbreak, we wouldn’t truly comprehend those life events about which the songs were written in the first place.

After one break-up, I was listening to a few old favorites of mine, and one song – an older song written in some sort of extended metaphor that has been covered by probably a hundred artists since its inception – began to play. It was a song I’d always thought was beautiful, but I was never really sure why. This time, I felt an intense sadness as I meditated on a few key lyrics, as I realized, I finally know what he’s singing about. In a strange way, this simple realization made me feel that much more connected to the artist, the song and even to the world.

It goes like this: you can read The Perks of Being a Wallflower and think that you know what it means to be “infinite,” but eventually you will end up in a situation that actually makes you feel infinite, and suddenly you have a greater appreciation and understanding of the book itself.

I believe it is important to take that leap of faith and live so that the words have meaning. It might not turn out the way you had hoped – it might sting – but you owe it to yourself to enter relationships honestly and to remain open to unfamiliar opportunities.

The Weekend Five: How To Be A Ladies’ Man In College

Before I begin, I would like to explain the reasoning behind today’s Weekend Five. A few weeks ago, when I was looking through my blog’s analytics, I noticed that a lot of people had discovered my blog by searching “how to be a ladies’ man in college,” even though I have never written anything like that in the past. When I mentioned this to some of my friends, they laughed and suggested I actually write about it.

I could go the humor route this week, but instead, this blog will actually provide tips for college guys on attracting the quality girls the right way. We’ve all dealt with the obvious womanizers in the past and most of us don’t find it as appealing as you might think. Here are five tips that could help you boys out in the dating department! (Note: This is not written for the guys looking strictly for one-night stands. If that’s your intent, you might want to try out another site!)

The Weekend Five: How To Be A Ladies’ Man In College

1. Remember the little things.
Guys, when a girl talks to you, listen. This may sound like a no-brainer, but girls love it when you remember the little details of the story they tell you or the day they spent with you. Pay attention because it shows her that you care and that you’re willing to go the extra mile.

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2. Learn how to handle your liquor.
Most girls don’t find excessively drunk guys attractive (unless they are the types of girls who also get excessively drunk). If you’re going to drink alcohol, know your limits and don’t push them. After all, if you aren’t dating already and she has seen you throw up, chances are she won’t consider you a viable dating option.

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3. Don’t badmouth your exes.
The rules about how often or when exes should be mentioned can be tricky, but the general rule is that you should avoid talking to a potential girlfriend about any of your exes in great detail. If you say a lot of negative things about the girls you previously dated, it is easy for the new girl to assume that you would do the same to her if things didn’t work out. I learned this the hard way, and would consider anyone who shares too many details of a previous relationship to be a poor way to invest my time.

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4. Be interesting, funny and yourself.
Don’t try to “play it cool.” Talk about your interests and be yourself early on, because it can help both of you determine if your personalities mesh well. It sets you apart from the crowd and helps you realize whether or not you have anything in common. Show that you have an interest in something — there’s nothing better than meeting a guy who has something he cares about and is knowledgeable of.

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5. Stand up for what you want.
Be brave. Don’t sit in a corner and wallow in the friend zone if you’re not willing to tell her how you feel. If she says no, back off, but don’t be afraid to at least ask her out. Assertiveness is an attractive quality to have, and you can’t get what you want if you don’t act on it.

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What are some of your tips?

Until You Learn To Love Yourself

Last week, with Ne-Yo’s Let Me Love You playing in the background at the gym (yes, I like Ne-Yo), I started to let the song’s lyrics sink in for the first time. For those unfamiliar with this song, the basic premise is that “I will love you until you learn to love yourself.” As much as I find Ne-Yo’s lyrics incredibly sweet and romantic, my practical side can’t help but question whether or not the song describes a particularly healthy relationship.

Ne-Yo sings to a girl who has never known love and who doesn’t have a particularly high opinion of herself, either. In the song, he promises to serve as the self esteem and love that she’s missing. However, although our significant others should build us up when we’re down and believe in us when we have our doubts, we shouldn’t be in a place where we need them to do this for us all the time.

This may sound harsh — and it would imply that a lot of people who are currently in relationships shouldn’t be — but until we learn to love ourselves, we shouldn’t call upon someone else to do that for us. If you are unhappy more often than you are happy with the world around you, then it doesn’t matter how perfect someone is, because you’re just not ready to be in a relationship. If you don’t love yourself (or, at the very least, like yourself), then you can’t reciprocate the wonderful support that you receive from your significant other, regardless of how willing that person is to be there for us. Is that fair to the person you care about?

Your boyfriend or girlfriend should seek to boost your confidence, but that shouldn’t be the primary goal. A relationship should be mutually beneficial, and as mentioned before, that can be nearly impossible when Person A is always questioning himself or herself, and wondering what Person B sees in him or her. Similarly, when we aren’t happy with ourselves, we don’t always pursue the healthiest relationships. As Stephen Chbosky writes in one of my favorite books, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, “We accept the love we think we deserve.” Therefore, if we don’t love ourselves, we might remain in relationships with people who treat us poorly because we don’t think we deserve any better.

Ultimately, building your self image is difficult, and often a work in progress. In fact, most of us have a long way to go before we realize how much we truly deserve. Until you learn to love or like yourself, it’s best to take some time to yourself and reflect upon what makes you happy. Develop yourself in the best way you can, strengthen your platonic relationships, discover a hobby, and think about everything you are thankful for. Only after you’ve rebuilt yourself and found your version of happiness on your own can you accept the love of another person.

Unhealthy Relationships: 5 Signs That The Nice Guy Isn’t So Nice

Good evening, readers!

I am pleased to kick off the September series at HUGstronger with a guest post entitled Unhealthy Relationships: 5 Signs That The Nice Guy Isn’t So Nice. We’ve all heard about the bad boy we’re supposed to avoid, but what happens when he’s harder to spot than we expect? Check out my post and be sure to take a look at the rest of the site — HUGstronger is an amazing blog for anyone in college who is facing a challenge and needs encouragement.

Enjoy, and let me know what you think!

xoxo Val

Battle of the Grand Gestures vs. The Little Things

I’ve always wondered what really happened after the final scenes of a romantic comedy. Sure, the two lead characters share a romantic kiss atop the Empire State Building/in the rain at the big football game/as the clock strikes midnight on New Year’s Eve/in the middle of someone else’s wedding, but then what? Will they ride off into the sunset with the promise of spending the rest of their lives together, or will they break up in a few months because of all of the conflict and dysfunction that led up to their change of heart and so-called “happily ever after” moment?

Of course, because most of these movies are fiction, the world will never know. Nevertheless, the entire romantic comedy genre still seems to have a huge impact on the way many of us conceptualize love and relationships. After all, at one point, nearly every (straight) girl has wanted to snag a bad boy who would change his ways for her… because it happens in the movies all the time. Plenty of girls and guys I know have enjoyed the whole “tortured love story” routine, dating someone they fight with every day and have no practical future with because – if things did work out – wouldn’t it be romantic to overcome all odds to be with your soulmate? Because sprinkled in between all the fighting and chaos are the occasional grand proclamations and outpourings of affection, complete with horse-drawn carriages and fireworks.

However, based on observation, I firmly believe that it’s the little things that take place day to day that matter far more than these enormous gestures. After all, you can only declare your love for someone atop the Empire State Building or pay a marching band to play Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You so many times before you: a) get sick of New York, or b) run out of money.

Unfortunately, the grand gestures that the movies teach us to expect and crave are generally only used for apologies. We never really see the characters doing nice things for each other just because. While I understand that movies aren’t long enough to depict real relationships in their entirety, I do think we need to take the grand gestures with a grain of salt and realize that relationships are more than a few pivotal moments. They consist of the little moments as well — the ones that seem perfectly inconsequential — and the way you treat one another in general on a daily basis.

Realize that doing kind things for the person you care about shouldn’t be reserved for apologies, and that the grand gestures aren’t the only important parts of a relationship of any kind.